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Erica's Story:
Dear Doug: My husband's ex-wife fits the profile of an obsessed alienator almost exactly. The good news is that after almost 14 years of lies, manipulation and brainwashing, two of his three children (both boys) have come around. One has a very close relationship with us, and the other has just recently moved in with us. The key is to force visitation no matter what. My husband had to really fight to keep any contact with his kids after his wife moved them nearly1800 miles away from us. He made a big stink about bringing them up at least twice per year (Christmas week and 2 or 3 weeks in the summer). We also NEVER and I mean NEVER said anything bad about my husband's ex. This was extremely hard to do, but we decided that taking the high road would be a refreshing change of pace for them and that they would eventually appreciate it. In fact, my youngest stepson, who recently moved in with us, actually said on several occasions, "You never said anything bad about my mother." He seemed relieved and mystified at the same time. The bad news is that my stepdaughter remains totally enmeshed with her mother. I think the psychological term is called "folie a deux." We're still hoping, but she's almost 18 and still shows no interest in having anything to do with us. At any rate, there is hope. Take the high road and get the kids with you as much as possible. I'm delighted to see organizations popping up that are taking the non-custodial fathers' side. It's high time. Erica My Comment: Erica's point is never give up. I agree. Many times the children will come around when they get older. However, some parents question: "How much do we put the children through when success is unlikely and the children continue to be hurt, many times by the system that is trying to help?" and frequently, parents ask, "when should I quit trying?" I have thought a lot about this issue and have come up with some criteria to consider in deciding when to quit. If you can e-mail me your thoughts about this list, this would be most appreciated. I have proposed certain criterion in my web article "Debate" for when parents might consider stopping forced visitation. |