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Megan's Road Trip Letter...
Consequences and Accountability
After our daughter got in trouble for violating a boundary which all four parents and Christy's therapist, Shirley Stutson, had set Tammy and I decided that Megan would not be allowed to stay in Tennessee with her friend after our NYC trip and we would take Megan's phone away to keep her from getting distracted from enjoying our family vacation. When Megan claimed that her mother Christy had gave her the okay to have a boyfriend and told our daughter to, "Just don't label it and don't tell your dad" we did what any sensible parent would do--we checked with Christy to see if this was true.
Common sense dictates that teenagers don't like to get in trouble. Its not unreasonable to doubt a teenager when they say that the other parent gave them the okay. Even though I would not put this past Christy, I am still not going to simply take the word of a teenager who may be trying to escape accountability.
So we checked with Christy. We called and sent her text messages. (see Text Messages)
No response.
When Christy would respond engage in a text exchange on a different subject I would take the opportunity to ask again, 'where you aware that Megan had a boyfriend and did you okay it?
Again, No response.
Eventually you will notice that Christy did respond. She said that this was inappropriate to discuss via text and wanted to address in in therapy. Christy had set up an appointment a month later on July 20, 2013.
We took Christy's unwillingness to respond with either a yes or a no to indicate that maybe Megan was telling the truth.
Tammy and I struggled with carrying out a consequence for a violation that perhaps Megan wasn't fully or solely responsible for.
So we came up with an idea.
Megan is super bright and well capable of regurgitating what we want to hear if she wanted to.
Without letting Megan know what our intentions were, we asked Megan to write out
After our daughter got in trouble for violating a boundary which all four parents and Christy's therapist, Shirley Stutson, had set Tammy and I decided that Megan would not be allowed to stay in Tennessee with her friend after our NYC trip and we would take Megan's phone away to keep her from getting distracted from enjoying our family vacation. When Megan claimed that her mother Christy had gave her the okay to have a boyfriend and told our daughter to, "Just don't label it and don't tell your dad" we did what any sensible parent would do--we checked with Christy to see if this was true.
Common sense dictates that teenagers don't like to get in trouble. Its not unreasonable to doubt a teenager when they say that the other parent gave them the okay. Even though I would not put this past Christy, I am still not going to simply take the word of a teenager who may be trying to escape accountability.
So we checked with Christy. We called and sent her text messages. (see Text Messages)
No response.
When Christy would respond engage in a text exchange on a different subject I would take the opportunity to ask again, 'where you aware that Megan had a boyfriend and did you okay it?
Again, No response.
Eventually you will notice that Christy did respond. She said that this was inappropriate to discuss via text and wanted to address in in therapy. Christy had set up an appointment a month later on July 20, 2013.
We took Christy's unwillingness to respond with either a yes or a no to indicate that maybe Megan was telling the truth.
Tammy and I struggled with carrying out a consequence for a violation that perhaps Megan wasn't fully or solely responsible for.
So we came up with an idea.
Megan is super bright and well capable of regurgitating what we want to hear if she wanted to.
Without letting Megan know what our intentions were, we asked Megan to write out
Our daughter's letter on vacation 6/26/2012
I do realize that I should not have a boyfriend I'm not ready to go through any of that and I've proven that by showing and can even handle listening and respecting my parent’s orders. They trusted me to handle the boyfriend situation wisely and I screwed it up by continually lying to them because I listened to my mom when she said as long as we don't label it I am fine. I knew that was wrong but I did it anyways is I thought I'd be able to handle it well. That is repeated trend but it’s not going to happen anymore because it sucks for everyone to go through this and I don't want to permanently loose my parent’s trust. I feel I’ve already have but I know I’m able to earn it back by being the best daughter I can be which I know I'm capable of. I'm going to also help my mom by doing this for example if she says it's okay or you can use my phone, I'm going to correct here and tell her it's not okay then she will learn from it.
I do feel bad for everything and at this point I'm sick of myself just as much as everyone else is in these situations it really sickens me to look back and see how much I lied to so many people's faces that are only trying to protect me. I’ve lied about having a boyfriend w/ John and Joby, said that I fixed everything and that were just friends when we weren't.
I also do believe that I haven't had enough consequences for everything I've done. I've ruined two vacations because of a boy when a new I wasn’t supposed to be involved in that. I'm sick of it and how my relationship is w/ my parents and I haven't begun showing it
page 3
because I know things are going to change. When we get to Emmas I'm going to call Joby and explained to him that I cannot have a boyfriend and I'm not ready for a relationship and it's the last thing I should be focused on. I have soo much better things going for me in life and all the boyfriend is doing is holding me back and causes stress, and hurt when it shouldn't I'm only 13 and it's very immature and ignorant of me to be worried and in the whole relationship thing. Another thing I do believe is going to help is me not having a phone so you know that nothing is going on behind your guyses back. and obviously no mom doesn't do it every a very good job monitoring it because things like this are still happening and no I'm not going to use other people's phones to be sneaky and shady and think “my parents
page 4
we'll never find out because they will and that only makes the situation worse and it caused more problems and then we will be put back in the situation again which is something non of us want. It's something non of us ever wanted but yet I put us through the same crap over and over again. I knew what was right and wrong and I still went against it because I thought that I wouldn’t get caught and I thought that I was really ready to have a relationship. But me crying in a pizza place saying I don't feel good and not enjoying my family time w/ my best friend in New York all because Joby didn't say I love you back shows am not ready and that I can't handle a relationship yet.
My parents set boundaries for me saying I can’t have a
page 5
boyfriend and I have to wait and just be his friend. They trusted me to see if I was ready and I crossed the boundaries by still acting as if we were dating and saying no no he's not my boyfriend when he really was. I know my parents are only doing this because they don't want me to grow up like Kaylee and because they love me and I’m only making it harder on myself and them as well. Because I put them through hell while they tried helping me be the girl I know I can be. (I feel like I'm repeating the same thing so if I am I'm sorry) I should've never lied even about small things like when I was younger I lied about wearing makeup. I thought it was a big deal but when I did tell the truth nothing happened you guys just asked me not to wear it when I came with you guys
page 6
even little lies like that I am sorry about and it could have been easily resolved, like this situation it's going to easily be resolved today and I'm going to prevent it from happening by reminding myself of these situations I’m going to communicate with you guys and Shirley first and I think having my mom go to counseling will help because she's learned how to handle situations the right way and not lie play act around people so they think she's a good parent instead of acting she's to actually do it and I know she can she just needs help and every parent does so it's not a bad thing but she probably thinks it is that's why I'm going to talk to her and help her out too. I don't know what else to write about but if you guys want me to add anything else just remind me and I'll write down.
I do realize that I should not have a boyfriend I'm not ready to go through any of that and I've proven that by showing and can even handle listening and respecting my parent’s orders. They trusted me to handle the boyfriend situation wisely and I screwed it up by continually lying to them because I listened to my mom when she said as long as we don't label it I am fine. I knew that was wrong but I did it anyways is I thought I'd be able to handle it well. That is repeated trend but it’s not going to happen anymore because it sucks for everyone to go through this and I don't want to permanently loose my parent’s trust. I feel I’ve already have but I know I’m able to earn it back by being the best daughter I can be which I know I'm capable of. I'm going to also help my mom by doing this for example if she says it's okay or you can use my phone, I'm going to correct here and tell her it's not okay then she will learn from it.
I do feel bad for everything and at this point I'm sick of myself just as much as everyone else is in these situations it really sickens me to look back and see how much I lied to so many people's faces that are only trying to protect me. I’ve lied about having a boyfriend w/ John and Joby, said that I fixed everything and that were just friends when we weren't.
I also do believe that I haven't had enough consequences for everything I've done. I've ruined two vacations because of a boy when a new I wasn’t supposed to be involved in that. I'm sick of it and how my relationship is w/ my parents and I haven't begun showing it
page 3
because I know things are going to change. When we get to Emmas I'm going to call Joby and explained to him that I cannot have a boyfriend and I'm not ready for a relationship and it's the last thing I should be focused on. I have soo much better things going for me in life and all the boyfriend is doing is holding me back and causes stress, and hurt when it shouldn't I'm only 13 and it's very immature and ignorant of me to be worried and in the whole relationship thing. Another thing I do believe is going to help is me not having a phone so you know that nothing is going on behind your guyses back. and obviously no mom doesn't do it every a very good job monitoring it because things like this are still happening and no I'm not going to use other people's phones to be sneaky and shady and think “my parents
page 4
we'll never find out because they will and that only makes the situation worse and it caused more problems and then we will be put back in the situation again which is something non of us want. It's something non of us ever wanted but yet I put us through the same crap over and over again. I knew what was right and wrong and I still went against it because I thought that I wouldn’t get caught and I thought that I was really ready to have a relationship. But me crying in a pizza place saying I don't feel good and not enjoying my family time w/ my best friend in New York all because Joby didn't say I love you back shows am not ready and that I can't handle a relationship yet.
My parents set boundaries for me saying I can’t have a
page 5
boyfriend and I have to wait and just be his friend. They trusted me to see if I was ready and I crossed the boundaries by still acting as if we were dating and saying no no he's not my boyfriend when he really was. I know my parents are only doing this because they don't want me to grow up like Kaylee and because they love me and I’m only making it harder on myself and them as well. Because I put them through hell while they tried helping me be the girl I know I can be. (I feel like I'm repeating the same thing so if I am I'm sorry) I should've never lied even about small things like when I was younger I lied about wearing makeup. I thought it was a big deal but when I did tell the truth nothing happened you guys just asked me not to wear it when I came with you guys
page 6
even little lies like that I am sorry about and it could have been easily resolved, like this situation it's going to easily be resolved today and I'm going to prevent it from happening by reminding myself of these situations I’m going to communicate with you guys and Shirley first and I think having my mom go to counseling will help because she's learned how to handle situations the right way and not lie play act around people so they think she's a good parent instead of acting she's to actually do it and I know she can she just needs help and every parent does so it's not a bad thing but she probably thinks it is that's why I'm going to talk to her and help her out too. I don't know what else to write about but if you guys want me to add anything else just remind me and I'll write down.