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Shared (Anon) Stories of Alienated Parents and Children
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This is a compilation of stories of parental alienation found throughout the internet from around the globe. These are heartbreaking but share an eerie similarity in some of the behaviors of the alienating parent, the alienated child, and unfortunately, of the mental health field and the family court systems. Some have more in common than others. But the one thing that they all have in common are that they are frustrating, heart-wrenching, and that all the children caught in the middle are suffering.
long story short…ex-wife refused to allow my four girls to communicate, or see me, and is still doing so. It has been 10 years since I have seen my littlest daughter. I was not invited to the wedding of my oldest daughter. The girls are under constant threat not to mention my name or communicate with me, nor see me. Previously, it was “no-pay/no play”, but now since the money issue can no longer be used as a ploy, it is just nasty, vindictive, hateful behavior. I believe the ex’s addictions, past and present, surely contribute to her behavior. The family court system allows this behavior, even encourages it, due to the lack of any system of checks or balances.
My daughter is treated like she deserves to be treated when she’s here with me in Dallas. She has her own room, bed, bathroom, ton of toys & movies. She doesn’t have all those things at her mom’s but yet she still seems to be brainwashed into thinking I’m the bad person. What’s a father who cares immensely to do? I’m hoping one day, even if I don’t get custody of her that she will realize how much I did for her and how much I love her.
My Story : I am a stay at home day and have been the primary caregiver for my two children and stepchild for over four years. As of late my partner and I were not seeing eye to eye aobut finances and turned into me being a mentally and physicaly abusive spouse and father. We went to see a phcycologist to what i thought was patch up out relationship and work on our problems. Turns out she wanted me to be assesed for anger management issues. First thing she said was that we have been separated for over 2 months and were just living together. Did not see that coming or feel that way as we were still sharing the same bed. This was all followed by how she did not feel safe around me and that she feared for the kids. I am completely beside myself at this point. I knew the possibillity of us breaking up was there and no very real at this point. But she was making me out to be a monster. She has been telling people that i kick my dog and that I push and smack my step-daughter around. She even went as far as saying that she thought she heard me shaking the baby, my one year old son the only other male in the house. I couldnt believe all of the stuff coming out of her mouth. As soon as I left the meeting it became all to clear what had happened. From her packing extra clothes for the kids as she set up her mom to take the kids while we were at this meeting. The packing of abnormally extra diapers for the morning. Turns out this has been planned out for some time. I spoke to my daughter last night and she told me that mommy her brother and her were moving into there grandparents house. I have been left broken hearted and with out my children that i have cared for since there very first breath. From the time I witnessed them come into this world I was there for them. There mother would work right up until the very end of the pregnancy and then a couple of months after be right back to work. I am managing a modest home based business that allows me to stay home with the kids. I bottle fed both of them as soon as there mom was ready to work and pump the breast milk. I take the kids to the park just about everyday depending on weather. I take the youngest two swimming three times a week while the oldest is in school. I make sure they have healthy meals three times a day plus snacks. I do wverything in my abilities to keep them safe from harm. I have been teaching my three year old daughter, my little angel, numbers and the alphabet with flash cards and rewards. Everyone that i have ever run into that sees me with my kids and knows that I am a stay at home dad says how wonderful it is for what I am doing and what a good job i have done as the kids are so well behaved. I feel like i just had my heart ripped out and stolen from.
Rip My Heart Out
This might be different because I am the custodial parent. I have 3 children, a now 18 yr old and 16 yr old boy girl twins. I noticed changes with my ex and his wife regarding visitation and how my son and daughter were acting. I was always trying to cooperate and get along but they never did the same. There is too much to get into so I will say that they were conditioning the kids for years while pretending to get along with me. It came to a breaking point when the twins were in 8th grade 04/2009. My son wanted to play sports and was getting a lot of grief from the other house. He was yelled and cussed at when he tried out for basketball. His twin sister wanted to do softball but told me she changed her mind. But he did sign himself up for spring baseball and all hell broke loose. My son stood his ground and continued to play. His Dad and stepmonster disowned him in a very harsh way. I consulted a therapist and wanted to have my son to work things out with his Dad. That is when my son told me of the long late nights lectures he had to endure over to his Dads house about me and how he should feel. His twin sister took the Dads side and they started to get revenge through her. The Dad never tried to make up with him and hasn't seen him. My daughter was going over to her Dads for his part of the summer vacation. I haven't got her back yet.$7000. and 2 attorney's later and no court date. She says she hates me and I have no contact with her. My 18 yr old is living with his Dad and I don't see him that much. I have left out a lot but it is ripping my heart out.
This might be different because I am the custodial parent. I have 3 children, a now 18 yr old and 16 yr old boy girl twins. I noticed changes with my ex and his wife regarding visitation and how my son and daughter were acting. I was always trying to cooperate and get along but they never did the same. There is too much to get into so I will say that they were conditioning the kids for years while pretending to get along with me. It came to a breaking point when the twins were in 8th grade 04/2009. My son wanted to play sports and was getting a lot of grief from the other house. He was yelled and cussed at when he tried out for basketball. His twin sister wanted to do softball but told me she changed her mind. But he did sign himself up for spring baseball and all hell broke loose. My son stood his ground and continued to play. His Dad and stepmonster disowned him in a very harsh way. I consulted a therapist and wanted to have my son to work things out with his Dad. That is when my son told me of the long late nights lectures he had to endure over to his Dads house about me and how he should feel. His twin sister took the Dads side and they started to get revenge through her. The Dad never tried to make up with him and hasn't seen him. My daughter was going over to her Dads for his part of the summer vacation. I haven't got her back yet.$7000. and 2 attorney's later and no court date. She says she hates me and I have no contact with her. My 18 yr old is living with his Dad and I don't see him that much. I have left out a lot but it is ripping my heart out.
My Story : My partner has been a victim of PAS ever since he split up with his wife in 2001. His ex-wife has routinely told his children that he doesn’t love them anymore, that he abandones them and that he doesn’t support them financially – none of which are true. She has also talked to the children about the divorce and involved them in things that they should never have been party to at their tender age. As a result of her mind games my eldest step-son is severly damaged and has developed an eating disorder, the eldest daughter has severe behavioural problems and the youngest lacks self-esteem and is very introverted. It’s so sad as my poor partner has had to go through the courts to even be able to see his children and she still doesn’t stick to the court order. The only real losers in this situation are her children who will carry this baggage throughout their lives. In England there is no acknowledgement of PAS in the courts and they very often favour the parent with care over the parent applying for contact. Hopefully PAS will become more publicised over here and Judges in the Family Courts will begin to realise it actually exists.
I was present with the birth of my daughter, june 1995. I have seen her coming in this world. I was proud and enjoyed every day and every moment we shared regularly and bounded during the first 5,5 years of her life. She loved being with me and visiting her grandparents and other familymemebers and friends with me. Doing all the normal things, all those years. I love her.
Then, early 2001, the mother decided to hold her solely for herself, by falsely accusing me of sexual abuse.. My breath was taken away and my heart seemed to stop. This has been investigated and not been found to have any ground. This took 6 months.. After that you think the contact will be restored, but not so. The mother refused everything and a horrible period of trial and ‘investigating’ took place, the most time wasted by waiting on procedures.. on the court..
Child protection agencies and courts gave mother the power to keep my daughter ‘kidnapped’ for 5,5 years now..! Haven’t seen or heared from her since then! It is bizar how Dutch government is neglecting human rights to have meaningful relationships with your father and child(ren).
There is NO sanction towards parents who neglect the childs rights to have BOTH parents in their lifes. Hopefully, I am still waiting (2,5yr!) for appeal decision, my daugther and I will be reunited this summer. Then we will still have a long way to go to repair our familylife..
All those years that have gone by can’t be repeated in any way.. These 5,5 years of not been able to experience her loving and caring father and family, have been stolen from my daughter, and from me, her father, and rest of the family.
Hopefully I will be able to make a difference in how we, as society, are dealing with these situations. This has to stop.
Then, early 2001, the mother decided to hold her solely for herself, by falsely accusing me of sexual abuse.. My breath was taken away and my heart seemed to stop. This has been investigated and not been found to have any ground. This took 6 months.. After that you think the contact will be restored, but not so. The mother refused everything and a horrible period of trial and ‘investigating’ took place, the most time wasted by waiting on procedures.. on the court..
Child protection agencies and courts gave mother the power to keep my daughter ‘kidnapped’ for 5,5 years now..! Haven’t seen or heared from her since then! It is bizar how Dutch government is neglecting human rights to have meaningful relationships with your father and child(ren).
There is NO sanction towards parents who neglect the childs rights to have BOTH parents in their lifes. Hopefully, I am still waiting (2,5yr!) for appeal decision, my daugther and I will be reunited this summer. Then we will still have a long way to go to repair our familylife..
All those years that have gone by can’t be repeated in any way.. These 5,5 years of not been able to experience her loving and caring father and family, have been stolen from my daughter, and from me, her father, and rest of the family.
Hopefully I will be able to make a difference in how we, as society, are dealing with these situations. This has to stop.
We met on the internet. I wired her $150.00 to move from Az to Ut. Her parents were getting ready to go to Baghdad Iraq for some business issues. She and I were together for 3 years and had two Sons. Her Mother kept coaching her to leave and move back to Az. I do not understand Arabic so when she was on the phone with her Mother I was in the dark and knew nothing. I warned her about what would happen is if She up and left me for whatever reason, that our Sons would act out due to my disappearence. Come April 28, 2002 the nightmare started with myself and two sons when she up and left State and followed a guy she
had met to Oregon to persue a relationship with him. She left absolutely no information, very secretive.
I found out a year later that the guy she moved with booted her and our boys out. I now suspect that they are living at or near her Mothers in Tucson Az. I also found out that my son who I bonded with the most cause he was the older one was in counceling………..just like I had warned her what would happen. How many 3 year olds do you know that needs counceling? I have no way of contacting her cause I found out that she was using her middle name since she left instead of her first name.
After finding out that in this state Utah their is no help for a Single Man in this state especially when it comes to Children. The bottom line after Months of trying to get help I discovered I had two choices. Either come up with $10.000 per child to fight custody, which is not what I am able to do or want to do. Second was to up and move to Az take up residency and apply for visiting rights. Yeah for my own kids. Then I hear that Az is a Womens State that I have less than 10% chance of being involved with them again. I do not understand this way of thinking. I have been trying hard to save money so I can relocate there and have enough to get established and find employment. My questions are: How can anyone be so
ignorant of childrens needs.? If She truely loved our Boys then she would do anything possible to bring joy and happiness to their hearts.
Ps Her only statement she said to me face to face on April 25, 2002 was and I quote: “You should have paid more attention to me than the kids” My comment back as She was walking away (But kids need more attention than adults)
had met to Oregon to persue a relationship with him. She left absolutely no information, very secretive.
I found out a year later that the guy she moved with booted her and our boys out. I now suspect that they are living at or near her Mothers in Tucson Az. I also found out that my son who I bonded with the most cause he was the older one was in counceling………..just like I had warned her what would happen. How many 3 year olds do you know that needs counceling? I have no way of contacting her cause I found out that she was using her middle name since she left instead of her first name.
After finding out that in this state Utah their is no help for a Single Man in this state especially when it comes to Children. The bottom line after Months of trying to get help I discovered I had two choices. Either come up with $10.000 per child to fight custody, which is not what I am able to do or want to do. Second was to up and move to Az take up residency and apply for visiting rights. Yeah for my own kids. Then I hear that Az is a Womens State that I have less than 10% chance of being involved with them again. I do not understand this way of thinking. I have been trying hard to save money so I can relocate there and have enough to get established and find employment. My questions are: How can anyone be so
ignorant of childrens needs.? If She truely loved our Boys then she would do anything possible to bring joy and happiness to their hearts.
Ps Her only statement she said to me face to face on April 25, 2002 was and I quote: “You should have paid more attention to me than the kids” My comment back as She was walking away (But kids need more attention than adults)
Parental Alienation is Child Abuse. I have lived through it for more than 9 years. My daughter’s father and his wife and family have attempted to sever bonds that a child needs in order to have a chance for a healthy development.
I chose not to marry him and yes, it was a pregnancy out of wedlock at the age of 32. This angered him and his family. Soon after he was introduced to his now wife. Since the age of 6 mos.. our daughter has been going back and forth between homes.
The real nightmare began in the courts at mediation. Although the mediator (promoted from a secretarial position, no degree) rolled her eyes at him several times, she came up with a schedule that was outlandish. Once he knew he had some power, he went full force.
At the age of 7 I felt my daughter pulling away from me. We had a loving relationship despite the criticism until that age. I took her to a psychologist and she wanted to talk to her father. He refused. I then found out he and his family told my daughter that when she turns 13 she can live with them.
When a child thinks he or she will be pulled away from someone important in their life, they will begin to put up walls to protect them from the pain even though they do not realize that this is what they are doing. They will form an alliance with one parent and this is usually the parent badmouthing the other. It is the parent buying the child whatever he or she wants. It is the parent who rewards feedings from their child of often embellished stories about the other parent, even lies.
Everything the parent that is being criticized does is no good. I have been put down for taking her to the wrong dentist, allowing her to wear a coat to school when in the afternoon it was warm out, and getting a cold at pre-school. When I took her for hair cuts they would tell her it was crooked and she would not go with me anymore. They even changed medical doctors. Once, while going to school to be a teacher, I found time to make a costume. It was a felt butterfly. My daughter tried it on when her daddy came to the door and he commented that there was a little glue on the wing. When she came back from the visit, she refused to wear it. I would buy her a new book bag for school, they would re-buy and mine would sit and collect dust. She would want to sign up for an event at school and when she came back she would not be interested no longer.
I would attend all of her school functions even when not my night with her. Once they told her that I was not there and did not care. She quizzed me about what she was wearing on stage. Another time they had her call me from their house after a school function and have her say that the principal of her school stopped her and asked why me and my fiance did not take our chairs back to the cafeteria. When I checked with the principal the next day about that, she said she did not say anything like that. During lunch she made it known to my daughter that she did not even see me there to prove to her that if her dad said she approached him, it was a lie.
Lie or no lie, a brainwashed kid will stick up for the parent known as the alienating parent. The target parent feels as though their hands are tied because they do not wish to treat their kids the way the alienating parent does. The alienating parent says they love the child and the child is most important, but turning a child from a parent is NOT love. The child is the center of their universe so they say but that is not necessarily good parenting. Teaching a child how to interact with the universe is good parenting. An alienating parent usually says a target parent is controlling, but I find that totally opposite. They have their mind and until they release it the child can not experience peace. They have the control of their well being. We must get through to alienating parents about the damage they are doing to their own flesh and blood.
Thank you,
C.C.
I chose not to marry him and yes, it was a pregnancy out of wedlock at the age of 32. This angered him and his family. Soon after he was introduced to his now wife. Since the age of 6 mos.. our daughter has been going back and forth between homes.
The real nightmare began in the courts at mediation. Although the mediator (promoted from a secretarial position, no degree) rolled her eyes at him several times, she came up with a schedule that was outlandish. Once he knew he had some power, he went full force.
At the age of 7 I felt my daughter pulling away from me. We had a loving relationship despite the criticism until that age. I took her to a psychologist and she wanted to talk to her father. He refused. I then found out he and his family told my daughter that when she turns 13 she can live with them.
When a child thinks he or she will be pulled away from someone important in their life, they will begin to put up walls to protect them from the pain even though they do not realize that this is what they are doing. They will form an alliance with one parent and this is usually the parent badmouthing the other. It is the parent buying the child whatever he or she wants. It is the parent who rewards feedings from their child of often embellished stories about the other parent, even lies.
Everything the parent that is being criticized does is no good. I have been put down for taking her to the wrong dentist, allowing her to wear a coat to school when in the afternoon it was warm out, and getting a cold at pre-school. When I took her for hair cuts they would tell her it was crooked and she would not go with me anymore. They even changed medical doctors. Once, while going to school to be a teacher, I found time to make a costume. It was a felt butterfly. My daughter tried it on when her daddy came to the door and he commented that there was a little glue on the wing. When she came back from the visit, she refused to wear it. I would buy her a new book bag for school, they would re-buy and mine would sit and collect dust. She would want to sign up for an event at school and when she came back she would not be interested no longer.
I would attend all of her school functions even when not my night with her. Once they told her that I was not there and did not care. She quizzed me about what she was wearing on stage. Another time they had her call me from their house after a school function and have her say that the principal of her school stopped her and asked why me and my fiance did not take our chairs back to the cafeteria. When I checked with the principal the next day about that, she said she did not say anything like that. During lunch she made it known to my daughter that she did not even see me there to prove to her that if her dad said she approached him, it was a lie.
Lie or no lie, a brainwashed kid will stick up for the parent known as the alienating parent. The target parent feels as though their hands are tied because they do not wish to treat their kids the way the alienating parent does. The alienating parent says they love the child and the child is most important, but turning a child from a parent is NOT love. The child is the center of their universe so they say but that is not necessarily good parenting. Teaching a child how to interact with the universe is good parenting. An alienating parent usually says a target parent is controlling, but I find that totally opposite. They have their mind and until they release it the child can not experience peace. They have the control of their well being. We must get through to alienating parents about the damage they are doing to their own flesh and blood.
Thank you,
C.C.
I Lost My Children to Parental Alienation
I Haven't Seen My Son Or Daughter In A Year
I always had a great relationship with my kids. Growing up, I wanted to be a father. One who took the kids
camping, fishing, to movies, went too all their recitals, games, you know, really involved.
My ex and I divorced 10 years ago, but I remained extremely close to my 2 kids. Than, she found a live in
boyfriend. He began slowly with remarks like, gee, your dad doesn't make as much money as me, or some
of your friends fathers. Three years later, he has my children convinced I don't really love them because I
can't afford all the luxeries in life. Mom tells the kids I cheat her on her child support, even though I've never
missed a payment in 10 years.
Since, HE entered into the picture, my relationship with my daughter, (16), began to deteriorate, and finally he has convinced
my son, (12) somehow that I am not a caring man, because I don't give him the same things he can afford to give him.
Basically, he bought my children, made my ex the victim, and martyr, and now, I haven't seen my son in a year
in November.
It is literally killing me. I love my children with every fiber of my being. I've tried e mailing, & calling, but everything gets
intercepted. My son has not received one message from me.
I've been to every ball game, and event my kids were ever in. We did everything together. Now, I've missed out
on everthing, and I have no idea how all of this will turn out.
I currently have a lawyer, and he's told me he can get this straightened out. It's hard knowing however that the son,
and daughter who I've spent so much time laughing with, and raising, now don't want to see me.
I'm so depressed, I sometimes don't want to wake up to a new day. I miss them beyond expression.
I Haven't Seen My Son Or Daughter In A Year
I always had a great relationship with my kids. Growing up, I wanted to be a father. One who took the kids
camping, fishing, to movies, went too all their recitals, games, you know, really involved.
My ex and I divorced 10 years ago, but I remained extremely close to my 2 kids. Than, she found a live in
boyfriend. He began slowly with remarks like, gee, your dad doesn't make as much money as me, or some
of your friends fathers. Three years later, he has my children convinced I don't really love them because I
can't afford all the luxeries in life. Mom tells the kids I cheat her on her child support, even though I've never
missed a payment in 10 years.
Since, HE entered into the picture, my relationship with my daughter, (16), began to deteriorate, and finally he has convinced
my son, (12) somehow that I am not a caring man, because I don't give him the same things he can afford to give him.
Basically, he bought my children, made my ex the victim, and martyr, and now, I haven't seen my son in a year
in November.
It is literally killing me. I love my children with every fiber of my being. I've tried e mailing, & calling, but everything gets
intercepted. My son has not received one message from me.
I've been to every ball game, and event my kids were ever in. We did everything together. Now, I've missed out
on everthing, and I have no idea how all of this will turn out.
I currently have a lawyer, and he's told me he can get this straightened out. It's hard knowing however that the son,
and daughter who I've spent so much time laughing with, and raising, now don't want to see me.
I'm so depressed, I sometimes don't want to wake up to a new day. I miss them beyond expression.
I’m 40 years old mom, my 2children ages 8 and 13 are victims of their father who can not accept our separation In France Parental Alienation is not recongnized by justice We can not speak about that, we have to go in front of the Judge without prononce this term But how to explain that your child you love you take care how explain they refused to speak with you, to say hello and insult you. my son has broken a skate board on me when i have tried to say him i want to stop this horror . I can not accept to stop my visit, at his house or at school I can not accept to give up, i can not accept to do nothing Stop to try to love my children is not acceptable! I will diffuse posters for april the 25 in my village to inform all the people who believe what my husband say about me I m a bad mother I can swear i was not a bad mother I can swear i love my chikdren I can swear I want the better for them Thank you for this website If i can help from my little France I will help be all courageous.
My daughter, now 15, has been systematically alienated from me by my ex-spouse and her parents. My ex-wife and I separated in 1999 and divorced in 2001, when my daughter was 9 and 11, respectively. At the time of separation, my ex took out several restraining orders (all of which were eventually dismissed)and kept me from seeing my kids for a month. When I established a custodial routine, my kids would report to me consistently how my ex and her parents often “bad-mouthed” me. In about 2002, on the day that I was to take my son (then 5) on a brief camping trip, my ex and her parents got both of my kids to allege that I abused them. These allegations were eventually determined to be groundless by the local police, the court, a court-appointed GAL and the Department of Social Services. When my ex then had my son strapped to a board and taken to a mental hospital for throwing a rather typical chilhood tantrum, the court had enough and ordered that my son should live me with me full time.
Shortly thereafter my daughter began alleging that I was responsible for keeping her from seeing her allegedly “dying” grandfather, who is still alive and in Australia. When I offer to show her court documents which can establish that I have done no such thing, and that I never abused my children, she refuses to listen or look at the documents. Her mother has stopped sending her to therapy and my daughter will not let me find her a decent therapist. My daughter refuses to spend any time with me or to even speak with me on the phone, repeating the canard that I have kept her from seeing her grandfather who is allegedly “dying.” Her grandfather, according to court documents filed by my ex, has been allegedly “near death” for at least 3 years, and last summer was well enough to visit the United States. Not surprisingly, the current round of problems with my daughter happens to coincide with the timing of that visit. When my son returns from his infrequent visits with his mother (she refuses to see him most of the time) he tells me (without my asking) that his mother and sister constantly refer to me in profane terms and continue to make allegations against me that my son knows to be untrue. My son also told me that after spending time with his Australian grandparents and uncle last summer he was struck by how much they hated me and were willing to repeatedly express that anger.
I have not seen my daughter for 3.5 months now and I am losing my relationship with her, which had been a wonderful one. Perhaps more importantly, my daughter is also losing her relationship with her brother. He only sees her when he visits his mother, since my daughter is not coming to my place anymore. I have written to my daughter asking her to telephone or e-mail her brother, but she refuses to do so.
Shortly thereafter my daughter began alleging that I was responsible for keeping her from seeing her allegedly “dying” grandfather, who is still alive and in Australia. When I offer to show her court documents which can establish that I have done no such thing, and that I never abused my children, she refuses to listen or look at the documents. Her mother has stopped sending her to therapy and my daughter will not let me find her a decent therapist. My daughter refuses to spend any time with me or to even speak with me on the phone, repeating the canard that I have kept her from seeing her grandfather who is allegedly “dying.” Her grandfather, according to court documents filed by my ex, has been allegedly “near death” for at least 3 years, and last summer was well enough to visit the United States. Not surprisingly, the current round of problems with my daughter happens to coincide with the timing of that visit. When my son returns from his infrequent visits with his mother (she refuses to see him most of the time) he tells me (without my asking) that his mother and sister constantly refer to me in profane terms and continue to make allegations against me that my son knows to be untrue. My son also told me that after spending time with his Australian grandparents and uncle last summer he was struck by how much they hated me and were willing to repeatedly express that anger.
I have not seen my daughter for 3.5 months now and I am losing my relationship with her, which had been a wonderful one. Perhaps more importantly, my daughter is also losing her relationship with her brother. He only sees her when he visits his mother, since my daughter is not coming to my place anymore. I have written to my daughter asking her to telephone or e-mail her brother, but she refuses to do so.
My Parental Alienation experience
I last saw my daughters when they were 12 nearly 18 months ago, my ex stopped contact saying that they didn't want to see me any more, we had a court order in place, but it took until September last year to find my ex and serve papers on her, we went to court and she said that they didn't want to see me, and that they had never liked seeing me
We did a family conference with a so called court counsellor, and my daughters told him they didn't want to see me, and when he asked why, the things that they told him were all things that my ex had accused me of years ago and that were proven to be false through a court process that involved family reports etc, so it was clear to me, that she had been telling them things that she shouldn't have been, she was re alleging things that I hadn't done but now she was telling the girls as well, after reading the report from the counsellor, my solicitor and later the court appointed child solicitor all formed the opinion that my ex was responsible for what my daughters were saying
However they said that as they were now nearly 14 that the court would not go against their wishes, even if it was proved that my ex was behind what they were saying, so I decided to settle and we drafted a new court order that allowed the girls to see or contact me in any way that they wanted when they wanted to, and for me to be able to contact them by letter, emails, text messages and other forms of social media
I have written them each a letter every week for the last 10 weeks, I send them the occasional email and text message, I have only had a few emails from them, all very sterile and without any feeling in them, the first was just in response to my query about what they wanted for Christmas, and was just addressed "Hi" we would like gift cards thanks, and it wasn't even signed, then I got a couple of emails asking if I could help pay for some of their school stuff, again it was just "Hi" and with the request and unsigned, then last week I got an email that was addressed "Dear and my first name", it was again asking for further help, and this time it was signed with both of their names, they had always called me daddy and had never used my first name, so I was shocked and hurt that they were addressing me by my first name, so in my reply I just politely asked them not to call me by my first name
I got another email Friday just gone, again this time it was "Hi and my first name", it was signed with their names, and it just said thank for the presents
Being an email it is hard to even know if they are sending them, but if they are why are they addressing me by my first name, in one email they still used mummy when referring to their mother, and it had always been daddy for me, I know that as they get older they may prefer to use dad and I would be ok with that, but using my first name hurts me
I always had a good relationship with both my daughters, they were always loving and caring towards me, they were always happy here, we played and did things together, and all our photos and home videos all show them laughing and happy
I have since realised that it was hard for them to come and see me, an example of this was that my ex would ring them when they were here, I remember the first time that I noticed something wrong with this was when they were happily playing in the back yard, and she rang, they spoke for a few minutes, I left them so they could talk in private, but when I came back after they had finished the call they were both crying, I thought that something had happened at home, and I asked them what was wrong, and they said they were sad because mummy had said that she was sad and unhappy because she missed them, apparently she did this a lot, as later on the girls would just spurt out things when they were young, like mummy said she was gonna miss us when we left
I think that after that phone call I had spoken to her and asked her to be mindful of the girls when she spoke to them, but I don't think things changed much, as their mood always seemed to change after one of her calls, so I do realise that it was not easy for them to visit me, she should not have made them feel responsible for her happiness by saying what she did to them, after becoming aware of what she was saying to them I sat down with them and explained to them that I missed them when they weren't with me, but that it is natural to miss people that you love, but I was happy because I knew that you were happy and safe with mummy, and I think that they understood what I was trying to explain to them
I have since been advised by a psychologist that her behaviour in making them responsible for her sadness is a form of emotional abuse
I think I understand that it also may have something to do with why they are saying that they don't want to see, but I'm not sure, and I don't know why they are calling me by my first name
I last saw my daughters when they were 12 nearly 18 months ago, my ex stopped contact saying that they didn't want to see me any more, we had a court order in place, but it took until September last year to find my ex and serve papers on her, we went to court and she said that they didn't want to see me, and that they had never liked seeing me
We did a family conference with a so called court counsellor, and my daughters told him they didn't want to see me, and when he asked why, the things that they told him were all things that my ex had accused me of years ago and that were proven to be false through a court process that involved family reports etc, so it was clear to me, that she had been telling them things that she shouldn't have been, she was re alleging things that I hadn't done but now she was telling the girls as well, after reading the report from the counsellor, my solicitor and later the court appointed child solicitor all formed the opinion that my ex was responsible for what my daughters were saying
However they said that as they were now nearly 14 that the court would not go against their wishes, even if it was proved that my ex was behind what they were saying, so I decided to settle and we drafted a new court order that allowed the girls to see or contact me in any way that they wanted when they wanted to, and for me to be able to contact them by letter, emails, text messages and other forms of social media
I have written them each a letter every week for the last 10 weeks, I send them the occasional email and text message, I have only had a few emails from them, all very sterile and without any feeling in them, the first was just in response to my query about what they wanted for Christmas, and was just addressed "Hi" we would like gift cards thanks, and it wasn't even signed, then I got a couple of emails asking if I could help pay for some of their school stuff, again it was just "Hi" and with the request and unsigned, then last week I got an email that was addressed "Dear and my first name", it was again asking for further help, and this time it was signed with both of their names, they had always called me daddy and had never used my first name, so I was shocked and hurt that they were addressing me by my first name, so in my reply I just politely asked them not to call me by my first name
I got another email Friday just gone, again this time it was "Hi and my first name", it was signed with their names, and it just said thank for the presents
Being an email it is hard to even know if they are sending them, but if they are why are they addressing me by my first name, in one email they still used mummy when referring to their mother, and it had always been daddy for me, I know that as they get older they may prefer to use dad and I would be ok with that, but using my first name hurts me
I always had a good relationship with both my daughters, they were always loving and caring towards me, they were always happy here, we played and did things together, and all our photos and home videos all show them laughing and happy
I have since realised that it was hard for them to come and see me, an example of this was that my ex would ring them when they were here, I remember the first time that I noticed something wrong with this was when they were happily playing in the back yard, and she rang, they spoke for a few minutes, I left them so they could talk in private, but when I came back after they had finished the call they were both crying, I thought that something had happened at home, and I asked them what was wrong, and they said they were sad because mummy had said that she was sad and unhappy because she missed them, apparently she did this a lot, as later on the girls would just spurt out things when they were young, like mummy said she was gonna miss us when we left
I think that after that phone call I had spoken to her and asked her to be mindful of the girls when she spoke to them, but I don't think things changed much, as their mood always seemed to change after one of her calls, so I do realise that it was not easy for them to visit me, she should not have made them feel responsible for her happiness by saying what she did to them, after becoming aware of what she was saying to them I sat down with them and explained to them that I missed them when they weren't with me, but that it is natural to miss people that you love, but I was happy because I knew that you were happy and safe with mummy, and I think that they understood what I was trying to explain to them
I have since been advised by a psychologist that her behaviour in making them responsible for her sadness is a form of emotional abuse
I think I understand that it also may have something to do with why they are saying that they don't want to see, but I'm not sure, and I don't know why they are calling me by my first name
Hi. I've been divorced for almost 2 years. My spouse had a very high conflict type personality. At the time of the divorce she did numerous things to alienate our children from me. Now, two years later, I still do not see my eldest son at all, and I have strained relationships with my younger children. I have no idea if she is still actively undermining my role as a father, or if it's simply a matter of damage that has already been done. I am seeing a good counselor with my two younger kids, and that helps somewhat, but there is still very little emotional connection. We used to be so close. It's hard to describe the anguish of losing that.
I put together this video to tell my story. I did this in part for my own therapy, and in part because I wanted other parents to avoid the hell of Parental Alienation. I knew my spouse had psychological issues, but I had never even heard of Parental Alienation, and was completely blindsided when it happened to me.
Parental Alienation is Real: Youtube
The craziness started the very first year of marriage. What was amazing to me was how polar opposite her personality was outside our home compared to inside. To everyone else she would be super sweet, but behind closed doors it was a completely different story. Being young and ignorant I blamed myself. I said to myself that I must be the one triggering this behavior since it only seemed to occur around me. It wasn't until years later, when things got much worse, that I realized she must have some kind of personality disorder. She was abused as a child, and I suspect this was a predisposing factor.
When the behavior finally started to be directed toward my children, including a violent episode with my eldest son, I decided I must file for legal separation. That is when she put things into overdrive. She started a campaign of distortion, telling just about anyone who would listen, including friends and professionals, that I was "emotionally abusive," etc., etc. There was no hard evidence of course, but people believed her because they had only seen the sweet, demure side to her personality. I'm told this phenomenon is common among those with borderline/narcissistic traits.
I put together this video to tell my story. I did this in part for my own therapy, and in part because I wanted other parents to avoid the hell of Parental Alienation. I knew my spouse had psychological issues, but I had never even heard of Parental Alienation, and was completely blindsided when it happened to me.
Parental Alienation is Real: Youtube
The craziness started the very first year of marriage. What was amazing to me was how polar opposite her personality was outside our home compared to inside. To everyone else she would be super sweet, but behind closed doors it was a completely different story. Being young and ignorant I blamed myself. I said to myself that I must be the one triggering this behavior since it only seemed to occur around me. It wasn't until years later, when things got much worse, that I realized she must have some kind of personality disorder. She was abused as a child, and I suspect this was a predisposing factor.
When the behavior finally started to be directed toward my children, including a violent episode with my eldest son, I decided I must file for legal separation. That is when she put things into overdrive. She started a campaign of distortion, telling just about anyone who would listen, including friends and professionals, that I was "emotionally abusive," etc., etc. There was no hard evidence of course, but people believed her because they had only seen the sweet, demure side to her personality. I'm told this phenomenon is common among those with borderline/narcissistic traits.
Been there. And it took a guardian ad litem, a counselor, a court ordered psychological evaluation (at my request) to prove it.
It was hard to prove. I was the custodial parent! He would show up at before-school care (her school started at 9:15) AND after-school care (I picked her up at 5:30). He would take her out of after-school care, take her for ice cream and to the park then back to daycare so I wouldn't know. He showed up to eat lunch w/ her at school most days. He would call every evening and talk to her for an hour but her side was usually "yeah. uh huh. I did. ok. yes." I finally recorded her calls (I "gave consent" on her behalf as her legal guardian since she was a minor - nice little technical glitch) and caught him saying "remember what we talked about" and calling me a b*tch to her.
He was diagnosed w/ Narcissistic Personality Disorder - a severe, unchangeable (in the psych report) PD. And PAS was determined to have occurred.
Over the course of 3 years I went from oblivious (I took the high road never talking ill of him even though I knew he didn't do the same thinking I set a good example - WRONG) to him keeping her away from a month before the courts could make her come home. In one month she went from the normal happy 10y/o to a child who hated me, feared me and wanted to live with her Dad. I was devastated.
I followed some advice by Dr. Richard Warshack who wrote "Divorce Poison" - I recommend you get it. The first year she refused affection - she just lived there because she had to, basically. But I stayed constant. I punished when needed to, I loved as much as I could, I became her rock, her constant, whether she wanted me to or not.
She would not return "I love you"s, she would not hug back but let her arms hang lip at her sides. Second year She would begrudgingly hug back and say an unenthusiastic "You, too" to my I love yous. By year three she finally hugged me, nearly to the day of her own accord, and would respond with "I love you, too". I remember sneaking out to the porch to tearily call my Mom and say "SHE HUGGED ME!!!!!!!" How silly to be sooooo excited over an act that I took for granted 3 years earlier.
The things I did per the book:
- I made sure she remembered the good times with me that she had forgotten. I put all of the photos (printed digitals) into albums and casually perused them. She watched this project and I would randomly say "remember your birthday party I threw?" or "wasn't that vacation FUN?".
- I enlisted friends, family and co-workers to remind her I am a good person worthy of love and respect. Friends would look through album and intentionally recall good times when they were present. I took her to the office after a mid-day dental cleaning and had people tell her what a great person I was, how they liked having me work there and showed her the award I had won. Mom/Dad/Sis would recollect times together. It was all very orchestrated and intentional.
- I would remind her friends of good times when they came over "so glad you could come - we had SUCH a good time at the last sleepover!"
- I no longer hid her father's shortcomings. I did not bash him but I no longer said anything positive. I told her about the diagnosis and how he was "sick" and couldn't help it but always thought he was right and in his eyes I would always do things wrong. Nothing that could be construed as slander; it was true and provable. I stuck to facts.
- We watched movies and talked about brainwashing. Hook (the lost boys brainwashed Peter) and Mrs. Doubtfire (she made the Dad out to be the bad guy) and talked about how other people could influence our opinions. I never tied it directly to her Dad, it was subtle.
It IS real and more courts are recognizing it. Sometimes the parents ARE bad. But there are clear guidelines as to what constitutes PAS. It's not a legal diagnosis int he US but it is in Canada. Fortunately the psychologist recognized it and so did the Judge.
It was hard to prove. I was the custodial parent! He would show up at before-school care (her school started at 9:15) AND after-school care (I picked her up at 5:30). He would take her out of after-school care, take her for ice cream and to the park then back to daycare so I wouldn't know. He showed up to eat lunch w/ her at school most days. He would call every evening and talk to her for an hour but her side was usually "yeah. uh huh. I did. ok. yes." I finally recorded her calls (I "gave consent" on her behalf as her legal guardian since she was a minor - nice little technical glitch) and caught him saying "remember what we talked about" and calling me a b*tch to her.
He was diagnosed w/ Narcissistic Personality Disorder - a severe, unchangeable (in the psych report) PD. And PAS was determined to have occurred.
Over the course of 3 years I went from oblivious (I took the high road never talking ill of him even though I knew he didn't do the same thinking I set a good example - WRONG) to him keeping her away from a month before the courts could make her come home. In one month she went from the normal happy 10y/o to a child who hated me, feared me and wanted to live with her Dad. I was devastated.
I followed some advice by Dr. Richard Warshack who wrote "Divorce Poison" - I recommend you get it. The first year she refused affection - she just lived there because she had to, basically. But I stayed constant. I punished when needed to, I loved as much as I could, I became her rock, her constant, whether she wanted me to or not.
She would not return "I love you"s, she would not hug back but let her arms hang lip at her sides. Second year She would begrudgingly hug back and say an unenthusiastic "You, too" to my I love yous. By year three she finally hugged me, nearly to the day of her own accord, and would respond with "I love you, too". I remember sneaking out to the porch to tearily call my Mom and say "SHE HUGGED ME!!!!!!!" How silly to be sooooo excited over an act that I took for granted 3 years earlier.
The things I did per the book:
- I made sure she remembered the good times with me that she had forgotten. I put all of the photos (printed digitals) into albums and casually perused them. She watched this project and I would randomly say "remember your birthday party I threw?" or "wasn't that vacation FUN?".
- I enlisted friends, family and co-workers to remind her I am a good person worthy of love and respect. Friends would look through album and intentionally recall good times when they were present. I took her to the office after a mid-day dental cleaning and had people tell her what a great person I was, how they liked having me work there and showed her the award I had won. Mom/Dad/Sis would recollect times together. It was all very orchestrated and intentional.
- I would remind her friends of good times when they came over "so glad you could come - we had SUCH a good time at the last sleepover!"
- I no longer hid her father's shortcomings. I did not bash him but I no longer said anything positive. I told her about the diagnosis and how he was "sick" and couldn't help it but always thought he was right and in his eyes I would always do things wrong. Nothing that could be construed as slander; it was true and provable. I stuck to facts.
- We watched movies and talked about brainwashing. Hook (the lost boys brainwashed Peter) and Mrs. Doubtfire (she made the Dad out to be the bad guy) and talked about how other people could influence our opinions. I never tied it directly to her Dad, it was subtle.
It IS real and more courts are recognizing it. Sometimes the parents ARE bad. But there are clear guidelines as to what constitutes PAS. It's not a legal diagnosis int he US but it is in Canada. Fortunately the psychologist recognized it and so did the Judge.
I posted this on another thread on divorce but thought it worth posting here for anyone this might help.
Quick back story: I was married at 20 to a 32y/o man who was initially very confident. It became clear after years (I was naive) that this was OVER confidence and he constantly belittled me. Verbal abuse occasionally crossed over to physical abuse. Over the course of many years I became downtrodden. At first I admired him, then acted so superior I felt INferior to the point I had no confidence in my ability to make my own decisions. After 10 years I became pregnant on the pill and gave birth to a baby girl in January 1999. I was a SAHM for 2 years during which we sacrificed a car for that luxury and I was stuck. I realized I needed to leave him, got a job and after 2 more years finally consulted an attorney and left.
We tried 50/50 - 3 days/4 days alternating. When she started kindergarten I could see this didn't work as our schedules were very different. He was letting her stay up past 11pm, not reading aloud to her or doing any simple homework and getting her to school late. Typical Disney Dad was all I was thinking. I filed for custody and won. He saw her every other weekend and an overnight of his choice the other week.
During this time he visited her without my knowing - stopping by before- and after-school care every morning and afternoon, taking her for ice cream or the park and dropping her back off at daycare. I say this because alienating a custodial parent is difficult but he was persistent. He visited her nearly daily at school at lunch. He called daily, talking to her for 30+minutes a night and always calling to say goodnight. He made sure she knew he viewed her as the center of his world and enmeshed their personalities - what he liked, she liked and vice versa... including me.
He blamed everything on me and I thought I was taking the high road by not taking the bait and not talking about him. He called social services claiming all kinds of crazy stuff - the file is long with everything unfounded - I live in the proverbial glass house. He called the police to check on me saying she sounded scared when he said goodnight so they would knock on my door and talk to her. Anything to prove to her that her well being was the center of his universe.
Summer of 2009 - we are both allowed 2 non-consecutive weeks of summer vacation with her, and he had selected the week school let out and also coincided with his regular weekend for 10 days. That last day of school, Friday at 4pm I was served with emergency temporary custody and he kept her away from me for a month. The Judge ruled it was not an emergency and scheduled hearing for July 7th, a month later.
By this time he had blocked contact with me and brainwashed her. She was 10 and she was terrified of me, she hated me. She wanted to live with him and never see me again - my heart broke. I could not imagine letting her go and knew if I did not fight I would never have a relationship with her. The judge ordered her back into my care but he filed for custody. I enlisted a guardian ad litem, borrowed money from family to pay legal expenses, asked for a court ordered psych eval of all parties and a parental fitness evaulation.
3 years and 40K in debt (well $30K now - paid down) and worth every freakin penny. He is limited to 3 15-minute calls a week; 2 weeks of vacation not to exceed 7 consecutive days. He was diagnosed w/ narcissistic personality disorder and the psychologist found he was utilizing parental alienation techniques and she had been alienated from me by brainwashing. His disorder meant he viewed me as unfit to parent and he was the perfect, faultless parent. The psychologist found him overly permissive with her, didn't set appropriate parental guidelines, etc. whereas I was found to improve my parenting skills (visited a family counselor for years to help her with the divorce) and to be a good and fit parent.
The first year: no hugs (I'd hug but her arms would hang at her sides), no I love you's, very wary of me (and my family and friends) and rebellious, especially for 2 days after her weekend with him. At a year - finally a hug. Then allowed me to kiss her good night. Then after I said "I love you" I'd get a "you, too" but not all three words. After 3 years she will now hug, snuggle, tell me she loves me, ask me to tuck her in... I can't imagine what life would be like had I not FOUGHT for her. And fought hard.
It's called parental alienation syndrome. Usually it's the mother doing it and usually it's the custodial parent. Mine was backwards in both ways and highly unusual but it happened. An outsider would be stunned to hear the details of my story - it was so crazy it sounded like fiction/drama. Please read about it if this describes your situation or someone you know.
Parental Alienation and Parental Alienation Syndrome Home Page
Divorce Poison is a book I read full of techniques I utilized to get her back mentally. Reminding her of all of the times she loved me with photographs, recreating them, watching movies like "Hook" where the lost boys brainwashed Peter, opened dialog, had friends make positive comments about me around her all of the time, etc. Dr. Warshack's (author) advice was instrumental in salvaging our relationship.
So glad to have a normal, happy, giggly 13 year-old who shares thoughts on boys, friends, school, etc. with me.
Quick back story: I was married at 20 to a 32y/o man who was initially very confident. It became clear after years (I was naive) that this was OVER confidence and he constantly belittled me. Verbal abuse occasionally crossed over to physical abuse. Over the course of many years I became downtrodden. At first I admired him, then acted so superior I felt INferior to the point I had no confidence in my ability to make my own decisions. After 10 years I became pregnant on the pill and gave birth to a baby girl in January 1999. I was a SAHM for 2 years during which we sacrificed a car for that luxury and I was stuck. I realized I needed to leave him, got a job and after 2 more years finally consulted an attorney and left.
We tried 50/50 - 3 days/4 days alternating. When she started kindergarten I could see this didn't work as our schedules were very different. He was letting her stay up past 11pm, not reading aloud to her or doing any simple homework and getting her to school late. Typical Disney Dad was all I was thinking. I filed for custody and won. He saw her every other weekend and an overnight of his choice the other week.
During this time he visited her without my knowing - stopping by before- and after-school care every morning and afternoon, taking her for ice cream or the park and dropping her back off at daycare. I say this because alienating a custodial parent is difficult but he was persistent. He visited her nearly daily at school at lunch. He called daily, talking to her for 30+minutes a night and always calling to say goodnight. He made sure she knew he viewed her as the center of his world and enmeshed their personalities - what he liked, she liked and vice versa... including me.
He blamed everything on me and I thought I was taking the high road by not taking the bait and not talking about him. He called social services claiming all kinds of crazy stuff - the file is long with everything unfounded - I live in the proverbial glass house. He called the police to check on me saying she sounded scared when he said goodnight so they would knock on my door and talk to her. Anything to prove to her that her well being was the center of his universe.
Summer of 2009 - we are both allowed 2 non-consecutive weeks of summer vacation with her, and he had selected the week school let out and also coincided with his regular weekend for 10 days. That last day of school, Friday at 4pm I was served with emergency temporary custody and he kept her away from me for a month. The Judge ruled it was not an emergency and scheduled hearing for July 7th, a month later.
By this time he had blocked contact with me and brainwashed her. She was 10 and she was terrified of me, she hated me. She wanted to live with him and never see me again - my heart broke. I could not imagine letting her go and knew if I did not fight I would never have a relationship with her. The judge ordered her back into my care but he filed for custody. I enlisted a guardian ad litem, borrowed money from family to pay legal expenses, asked for a court ordered psych eval of all parties and a parental fitness evaulation.
3 years and 40K in debt (well $30K now - paid down) and worth every freakin penny. He is limited to 3 15-minute calls a week; 2 weeks of vacation not to exceed 7 consecutive days. He was diagnosed w/ narcissistic personality disorder and the psychologist found he was utilizing parental alienation techniques and she had been alienated from me by brainwashing. His disorder meant he viewed me as unfit to parent and he was the perfect, faultless parent. The psychologist found him overly permissive with her, didn't set appropriate parental guidelines, etc. whereas I was found to improve my parenting skills (visited a family counselor for years to help her with the divorce) and to be a good and fit parent.
The first year: no hugs (I'd hug but her arms would hang at her sides), no I love you's, very wary of me (and my family and friends) and rebellious, especially for 2 days after her weekend with him. At a year - finally a hug. Then allowed me to kiss her good night. Then after I said "I love you" I'd get a "you, too" but not all three words. After 3 years she will now hug, snuggle, tell me she loves me, ask me to tuck her in... I can't imagine what life would be like had I not FOUGHT for her. And fought hard.
It's called parental alienation syndrome. Usually it's the mother doing it and usually it's the custodial parent. Mine was backwards in both ways and highly unusual but it happened. An outsider would be stunned to hear the details of my story - it was so crazy it sounded like fiction/drama. Please read about it if this describes your situation or someone you know.
Parental Alienation and Parental Alienation Syndrome Home Page
Divorce Poison is a book I read full of techniques I utilized to get her back mentally. Reminding her of all of the times she loved me with photographs, recreating them, watching movies like "Hook" where the lost boys brainwashed Peter, opened dialog, had friends make positive comments about me around her all of the time, etc. Dr. Warshack's (author) advice was instrumental in salvaging our relationship.
So glad to have a normal, happy, giggly 13 year-old who shares thoughts on boys, friends, school, etc. with me.
